Tuesday, June 23rd, 2020
This morning I woke up between 8:30 and 8:45 am. It was close to 9 am because I could wait a little bit longer to potentially go down to pick up breakfast and seconds at 9:15 am.
Sleeping last night was again restless. On paper and on the surface this circumstance should provide very restful sleep. I'm able to create a cool, quiet, dark environment for me to sleep. And yet, I still have a hard time getting more than 3 hours sleep at a time. And last night I even felt so depressed that I felt the need to just get out of the room and out of the building. And one point I was dreaming about a spider that got in amongst my things. A spider that was really big, and very elusive. What the spider seem to create was a feeling of deep frustration about being effective in trying to do something. My feeling of depression last night was not about me! I believe strongly that it is all about my frustration with developing this project and being a positive influence for the community! But, throughout this whole process the community has ignored my success and continue to be incompetent, out of control, and simply fail at most everything that matters.
Lunch came through, and I received it what's help much appreciation. I felt flat. I felt flat because of how much frustration I feel at continuing to do this work while dealing with not just incompetence of Hennepin County and the helping community. But the failure and incompetence of these people send me a message that there's something wrong with me! Do I have to put a great deal of effort into fighting off this message that there's something wrong with me when they are the ones that are sick! They are the ones that are incompetent! They are the ones that live a practice of quick fixes and immediate gratification! The greater Society is deeply sick and indulgent in the broader deviants of addiction, and the addict mentality!
dj
