Sunday, October 25th, 2020
This morning I woke up from a dream that I can't remember, but it felt very heavy. It is very rare that I sleep longer than 3 hours at a time, and often it is between 2 and 3 hours before I wake up. Lately, I have staying up until past midnight, and as late as 3am, and once it was 4am before going to bed. But, I rarely stay in bed past the 8am hour, and more rare to stay in bed past 9am.
I have to say, before I forget to mention it, that within the past few days I laid down for a nap and woke up without knowing what time it was, or even where I was. It was very disturbing.
I have been developing daily sheets with a schedule on one side, and a check list log on the other side. The second page is a single sheet, double sided of lines for personal journaling.
The morning and most of the early afternoon was spent lounging and watching TV. Having said that, I'm always aware that I do not want to be here. This Project I've been developing started while I was in the Minneapolis shelter system, and I've been focused on this work ever since. My goal has never been to be "homeless!" My goal has never been to be in poverty, or to suffer! I have been focused on doing something that means something for the community.
MAIN MESSEGE
Later in the afternoon, I realized that I was feeling rather depressed, and very heavy feeling. But, the heavy feeling was not me. It was NOT about me! And yet, it was deep inside. All of this came from this continuous effort to record my next podcast. I am very clear what the purpose was for the next Podcast, and the Podcast channel. But, there was a clear avoidance of moving forward that came from inside me. It is memories of messages I was hammered with as a child. Powerfully negative messages meant to destroy my future. Really!
I turned off the TV and tried to clear my mind and push myself to move forward and focus on recording my next podcast. I started to pull out the form sheets that I created to write down my thoughts, and the things I wanted and needed to focus on in the podcast. But, even then, I could feel a very deep heaviness not so much as descend on me, but almost seemingly to well up from deep inside. It was a heavy feeling, "concerned for my life" type of heaviness! I had to really go slow today to begin to notice what it was, and how it felt. It was only because of the many years of personal work that I could sort out what I needed to do to get past this personal impasse and obstacle to simply recording a straight forward podcast. At the same time, I am trying to remember to listen to my intuition. Because when I don't, I simply have to keep learning the same lesson.
I just realized that it is 3:45am in the morning of Monday, October 26th, 2020. And, I still haven't gone to bed.
Right now it is 3:55am and I need to stop and go to bed.
